Malvin has a Baby

It was Tuesday. It was raining. It was orange. Malvin sat in his cave, eating a pastry and wondering when the weather was going to clear up. He was bored and he wanted to go outside and play football. Or the dragon equivalent, somehow they went through lots of balls.

In pursuit of something to do, malvin decided to adopt a baby to look after. Unfortunately he failed to advise the adoption people what species he wanted, and he ended up with a baby kangaroo.

For two hours the Joey, which he had decided to name Hannah although it was clearly male and had a name tag already, was fine, until it decided it was hungry, thirsty, needed to poo, wanted a hug and a sleep all at the same time. Malvin got tangled in the huge amount of baby things he had bought and was knocked unconscious for twenty minutes. By which time the baby had fed itself, changed its own nappy, and put itself to bed.

Deciding the baby was too much hassle for him alone, malvin decided to find a woman to help raise it. To do this he decided that speed dating would be a good idea.

Fencing the baby to a neighbour for the night, no joke, he sold the baby for a night, malvin set of to the nearest town hall to find his new bride and mother to be. After being given a table and a number, he sat down and waited.

Having heard the bell ring rather a few times, he decided something was wrong and went to ask the woman on duty about it. As he approached, she backed away into a nearby store room and refused to re-emerge until he had left the immediate area. He then noticed that all the other women in the room seemed to be avoiding him as well. This troubled him somewhat, but not more than the nagging feeling that he was addicted to Cheerios.

He left the hall and sat outside, eating Cheerios from a box he had in his pocket, and feeling utterly miserable. While he ate a shadow crossed his path, as he looked up he saw, in no particular order, a pair of large green boots, with grey tracksuit bottoms tucked into them, and as he reached the area above this he realised the woman was wearing a red t-shirt.

This was all the dragon needed to know as red t-shirts where his favourite, and until a few months ago, refused to believe any other colour existed. The other dragon was pockmarked and deformed, as though they had contracted some horrible, disfiguring disease, and was determined to show it off to the world. She also had enormous ears, like an elephant taking growth pills.

The dragons looked at each other and immediately fell in love, after that they did everything together. They took walks in the park, they bathed the baby (after they had bought him back from the neighbour) and they had long, meaningful conversations about red t-shirts, Cheerios and nuclear physics. 

After about 2 days of this the lady dragon, Phyllis, grew tired off these discussions, and tried to change the subject: to what, exactly, was the point of the bottle making plant over the road, and why did it make bananas? However when she tried to do this Malvin flew into a rage, and ordered her to leave his house, immediately.

That night the house was firebombed, and the baby was taken into care because malvin forgot that it would need to be burped, and it was on the verge of exploding.

Knowing he had lost the love of his life and his only hope of every raising a family malvin stuck his head in the microwave, but this did nothing to ease his pain as the door wouldn’t close properly. And he sadly went to bed to read a happy story, about dancing polar bears, and dream of a better life.

The End