Malvin has a Baby

It was Tuesday. It was raining. It was orange. Malvin sat in his cave, eating a pastry and wondering when the weather was going to clear up. He was bored and he wanted to go outside and play football. Or the dragon equivalent, somehow they went through lots of balls.

In pursuit of something to do, malvin decided to adopt a baby to look after. Unfortunately he failed to advise the adoption people what species he wanted, and he ended up with a baby kangaroo.

For two hours the Joey, which he had decided to name Hannah although it was clearly male and had a name tag already, was fine, until it decided it was hungry, thirsty, needed to poo, wanted a hug and a sleep all at the same time. Malvin got tangled in the huge amount of baby things he had bought and was knocked unconscious for twenty minutes. By which time the baby had fed itself, changed its own nappy, and put itself to bed.

Deciding the baby was too much hassle for him alone, malvin decided to find a woman to help raise it. To do this he decided that speed dating would be a good idea.

Fencing the baby to a neighbour for the night, no joke, he sold the baby for a night, malvin set of to the nearest town hall to find his new bride and mother to be. After being given a table and a number, he sat down and waited.

Having heard the bell ring rather a few times, he decided something was wrong and went to ask the woman on duty about it. As he approached, she backed away into a nearby store room and refused to re-emerge until he had left the immediate area. He then noticed that all the other women in the room seemed to be avoiding him as well. This troubled him somewhat, but not more than the nagging feeling that he was addicted to Cheerios.

He left the hall and sat outside, eating Cheerios from a box he had in his pocket, and feeling utterly miserable. While he ate a shadow crossed his path, as he looked up he saw, in no particular order, a pair of large green boots, with grey tracksuit bottoms tucked into them, and as he reached the area above this he realised the woman was wearing a red t-shirt.

This was all the dragon needed to know as red t-shirts where his favourite, and until a few months ago, refused to believe any other colour existed. The other dragon was pockmarked and deformed, as though they had contracted some horrible, disfiguring disease, and was determined to show it off to the world. She also had enormous ears, like an elephant taking growth pills.

The dragons looked at each other and immediately fell in love, after that they did everything together. They took walks in the park, they bathed the baby (after they had bought him back from the neighbour) and they had long, meaningful conversations about red t-shirts, Cheerios and nuclear physics. 

After about 2 days of this the lady dragon, Phyllis, grew tired off these discussions, and tried to change the subject: to what, exactly, was the point of the bottle making plant over the road, and why did it make bananas? However when she tried to do this Malvin flew into a rage, and ordered her to leave his house, immediately.

That night the house was firebombed, and the baby was taken into care because malvin forgot that it would need to be burped, and it was on the verge of exploding.

Knowing he had lost the love of his life and his only hope of every raising a family malvin stuck his head in the microwave, but this did nothing to ease his pain as the door wouldn’t close properly. And he sadly went to bed to read a happy story, about dancing polar bears, and dream of a better life.

The End

Malvin Goes on Holiday

Malvin Goes on Holiday:

Malvin sat at his little green plastic table, thinking. He wasn’t happy and decided he needed a holiday. Pouring over brochures telling him all sorts of useless information, such as how much grass was visible from the hotel window, or whether the sun was yellow or green, he decided to get out of Rafikinland and travel to the USA.

First he went to New York and visited all the touristy places, the Statue of Liberty, the Empire State Building and a fire station. But he still wasn’t happy, and so decided to move on to the next unsuspecting state.

This was Oklahoma, while here all he could do was sing the song from the musical, which he had watched once, told everyone he hated but secretly adored. He took lots of pictures and left, still feeling, that there was something missing. Finally he ended up in Hollywood. (California, if 

you don’t know where that is).

For three days, malvin lay on a fake beach, drinking buckets of salt water and complaining about the umbrella size. On the fourth day, he got up and went to a bar for a nice lunch of seagull eggs. He was served by a lovely young lady dragon, with long, golden curls on her scaly head. This was a very rare condition, and she was treating it with a cream as prescribed by her doctor.

Rachael, as she was called, told him that waitressing was only her part time job. Her proper job was as an agent to the stars, and that he would be perfect for a role in a new movie.

They spent a lot of time together during filming, and malvin fell in love with the deformed beauty. By the time the film was due to premiere, he had managed to convince himself that she felt the same way, and planned to ask her to marry him on the red carpet.

He got all dolled up in his favourite and very best red t-shirt and sprayed some cologne that smelled roughly like a wet cat. The moment he saw her he began to sweat form every pore in his scaly body, however this may have been a result of the massive allergic reaction to the flashes of the many cameras around him, he was experiencing. When he was near enough to her, he got down on one knee, which is quite a feat for a dragon, and popped the question, from one of those guns that fires a flag with the word “bang” written on it. Rachael looked terrified and ran off, trampling a heard of paparazzi on her way.

The dejected malvin, fled back to his homeland, and hid in his closet until he felt sure the horrific pictures would have been forgotten.

But they never were.