Malvin has a Baby

It was Tuesday. It was raining. It was orange. Malvin sat in his cave, eating a pastry and wondering when the weather was going to clear up. He was bored and he wanted to go outside and play football. Or the dragon equivalent, somehow they went through lots of balls.

In pursuit of something to do, malvin decided to adopt a baby to look after. Unfortunately he failed to advise the adoption people what species he wanted, and he ended up with a baby kangaroo.

For two hours the Joey, which he had decided to name Hannah although it was clearly male and had a name tag already, was fine, until it decided it was hungry, thirsty, needed to poo, wanted a hug and a sleep all at the same time. Malvin got tangled in the huge amount of baby things he had bought and was knocked unconscious for twenty minutes. By which time the baby had fed itself, changed its own nappy, and put itself to bed.

Deciding the baby was too much hassle for him alone, malvin decided to find a woman to help raise it. To do this he decided that speed dating would be a good idea.

Fencing the baby to a neighbour for the night, no joke, he sold the baby for a night, malvin set of to the nearest town hall to find his new bride and mother to be. After being given a table and a number, he sat down and waited.

Having heard the bell ring rather a few times, he decided something was wrong and went to ask the woman on duty about it. As he approached, she backed away into a nearby store room and refused to re-emerge until he had left the immediate area. He then noticed that all the other women in the room seemed to be avoiding him as well. This troubled him somewhat, but not more than the nagging feeling that he was addicted to Cheerios.

He left the hall and sat outside, eating Cheerios from a box he had in his pocket, and feeling utterly miserable. While he ate a shadow crossed his path, as he looked up he saw, in no particular order, a pair of large green boots, with grey tracksuit bottoms tucked into them, and as he reached the area above this he realised the woman was wearing a red t-shirt.

This was all the dragon needed to know as red t-shirts where his favourite, and until a few months ago, refused to believe any other colour existed. The other dragon was pockmarked and deformed, as though they had contracted some horrible, disfiguring disease, and was determined to show it off to the world. She also had enormous ears, like an elephant taking growth pills.

The dragons looked at each other and immediately fell in love, after that they did everything together. They took walks in the park, they bathed the baby (after they had bought him back from the neighbour) and they had long, meaningful conversations about red t-shirts, Cheerios and nuclear physics. 

After about 2 days of this the lady dragon, Phyllis, grew tired off these discussions, and tried to change the subject: to what, exactly, was the point of the bottle making plant over the road, and why did it make bananas? However when she tried to do this Malvin flew into a rage, and ordered her to leave his house, immediately.

That night the house was firebombed, and the baby was taken into care because malvin forgot that it would need to be burped, and it was on the verge of exploding.

Knowing he had lost the love of his life and his only hope of every raising a family malvin stuck his head in the microwave, but this did nothing to ease his pain as the door wouldn’t close properly. And he sadly went to bed to read a happy story, about dancing polar bears, and dream of a better life.

The End

Malvin Goes on Holiday

Malvin Goes on Holiday:

Malvin sat at his little green plastic table, thinking. He wasn’t happy and decided he needed a holiday. Pouring over brochures telling him all sorts of useless information, such as how much grass was visible from the hotel window, or whether the sun was yellow or green, he decided to get out of Rafikinland and travel to the USA.

First he went to New York and visited all the touristy places, the Statue of Liberty, the Empire State Building and a fire station. But he still wasn’t happy, and so decided to move on to the next unsuspecting state.

This was Oklahoma, while here all he could do was sing the song from the musical, which he had watched once, told everyone he hated but secretly adored. He took lots of pictures and left, still feeling, that there was something missing. Finally he ended up in Hollywood. (California, if 

you don’t know where that is).

For three days, malvin lay on a fake beach, drinking buckets of salt water and complaining about the umbrella size. On the fourth day, he got up and went to a bar for a nice lunch of seagull eggs. He was served by a lovely young lady dragon, with long, golden curls on her scaly head. This was a very rare condition, and she was treating it with a cream as prescribed by her doctor.

Rachael, as she was called, told him that waitressing was only her part time job. Her proper job was as an agent to the stars, and that he would be perfect for a role in a new movie.

They spent a lot of time together during filming, and malvin fell in love with the deformed beauty. By the time the film was due to premiere, he had managed to convince himself that she felt the same way, and planned to ask her to marry him on the red carpet.

He got all dolled up in his favourite and very best red t-shirt and sprayed some cologne that smelled roughly like a wet cat. The moment he saw her he began to sweat form every pore in his scaly body, however this may have been a result of the massive allergic reaction to the flashes of the many cameras around him, he was experiencing. When he was near enough to her, he got down on one knee, which is quite a feat for a dragon, and popped the question, from one of those guns that fires a flag with the word “bang” written on it. Rachael looked terrified and ran off, trampling a heard of paparazzi on her way.

The dejected malvin, fled back to his homeland, and hid in his closet until he felt sure the horrific pictures would have been forgotten.

But they never were.

                            

Malvins Rhyming Disaster

Malvin was a happy dragon,

He spent his day playing with his red t-shirts, his rocks and his wagon.

One day, while out on a walk,

He noticed something shiny and flew like a hawk

To the top of a tree, with branches so thick,

Where he spotted a solid golden stick!

He flew to the ground,

And waved it around,

Then realised he could sell it for a pretty penny.

At the pawn shop, the attendant named jenny

Said she would give him a kiss,

He, being simple, thought this was too good to miss.

On drawing apart

He felt his heart

And realised he was dying.

Jenny looked scared,

She wasn’t prepared

And she hoped to god he was lying.

Malvin jumped up

And peed in a cup,

And jenny ran away from him screaming.

Malvin stood in a daze,

His life was a maze

And the pee sat there gleaming.

He poured it away,

Went home for a day

And fell asleep on the sofa, dreaming.

Malvin Buys A Hat

Once upon a time...

There was a big, purple and green, polka dotted dragon named Malvin. He lived in a cave, half way up a mountain, about half a mile from a town of natives. These people didn’t like Malvin very much, and would occasionally climb the mountain with sharp objects, in the hopes that they could kill him. They never succeeded.

One day Malvin was flying around, window shopping, when he discovered a rather large hat. It looked like a giant beetle, with a feather coming out of its eye. He put it on and instantly decided he looked dashing. The sales assistant agreed with him because he wanted the commission, and he bought it there and then.

Roaming around town in his new hat, Malvin felt on top of the world, until he fell into the duck pond because he couldn’t see where he was supposed to be going, and the water just rose up to greet him.

Shaking himself like a dog to get dry, he sprayed dirty pond water all over an old woman that was hanging by her feet in a nearby garden. He apologised profusely then helped the old woman down. When he had left she re-hung herself, how was she to get dry otherwise?

He carried on walking down the road, turning the heads of all the dragons he passed, not noticing the sniggering that followed him. When he came to the park, he turned into it and sat on a bench feeling majestic.

He was just dozing off in the early evening heat, thinking of how much his new lime green hat would match his wardrobe of red t-shirts, when a beautiful apparition appeared to him. She was a very short, squat dragon, but she had the biggest brown eyes he had ever seen, also she was wearing a red t-shirt, his favourite.

He tried to get her attention by waving his arms, for you see, he was too shy to actually speak to her. When she did not turn his way, he thought she couldn’t see him and sat down again, feeling depressed.

He wandered home thinking about setting his house on fire and claiming on the insurance, when a very pretty dragon, made of pale pink and gold scales rounded the corner and smiled at him. He returned it and they walked a little way conversing about the little things in life, red t-shirts, toothpaste, milk jugs and red t-shirts.

She asked about his hat, and he told her he had seen it in a shop, called Hats Which Won’t Suit You on the corner of Bad Hair Street. He also told her the clerk at the store had reinforced his view that the hat made him look like a young Amelda Marcos. The pretty dragon, Paula, agreed that the hat looked good, and said they should attend a “best dressed” competition the next day to prove it.

They agreed that they would meet at the competition, and Malvin flew home feeling happy and blowing fire at villagers to make their hair stand on end, then hiding behind a bush when they looked around.

The next day he met up with Paula at the competition, which took place on the top of a cliff and all the bunting was a deep, blood colour so Malvin was very happy.

When his category was called Malvin made his way to the podium at the very edge of the cliff. He received no marks for the style of his hat, with the judges saying he looked like a lemon with half a lime on it head. This made him feel small and humiliated, he looked to the crowd for reinforcement from Paula, but he couldn’t see her.

Assuming she had gone to buy them a drink, he decided he would wait for the end of the competition, before having a depressed fit and flinging himself off the cliff, he forgets that he can fly.

The competition finished and he came in last, wondering through the crowd, he found Paula sitting on a bench. She told him not to worry about it, that she still liked him, but he felt bad and removed his hat. Underneath he had the worst hat hair ever recorded in the history of such things, and believe me it’s quite a long history.

Paula recoiled in shock, the hair was so bad people were throwing themselves of the cliff to avoid it. She couldn’t look at him anymore and simply said that she had to go away. And after that she quickly threw herself off the cliff with the rest.

Standing alone on the cliff top, amid the fallen banners and streamers pronouncing the Big Dragon Hat Competition, Malvin let out a loud wail and threw the hat off the cliff to follow the others. He hid his hair in his hands and meandered home, because he couldn’t see the path with his hands on his head.

At the village next to his cave, even the villagers were so disgusted with the state of his hair that they stayed indoors and wouldn’t talk to him about the weather. He sat in his cave and tried to chop his wings off with a blunt rock.

Malvin and Penelope.

*claps*

Once upon a time…

There lived a purple and green polka dotted dragon,

Who lived in a mountain cave painted in bright yellow all on his own.

The dragon was named Malvin, and he was lonely. So one day he went on a little adventure to the town at the bottom of the mountain.

In the little town of hobnobred, the folk were simple and the sight of a giant purple dragon disturbed them muchly.

Malvin was a harmless dragon; he wouldn’t hurt a fly, and found it difficult to even eat leaves.

But the townswomen still ran away and the men still ran towards him with pitchforks and fire. The scared little dragon only wanted some female company, ideally he wanted a nice female dragon who loved red t-shirts.

His pile of them felt quite lonely when he had to wear them alone. He tried to ask the people of the town if they had seen such a dragon but when he spoke they only heard growls, which they found extremely threatening, so would gather in huge gangs to run in the opposite direction.

So he would have to fly home dejected. One day however, when attempting to converse with the townspeople, a beautiful sight appeared to him. An orange dragon with pink squares all over it came trotting over the hill.

He fell in love instantly. Her long eye lashes fluttered at him over her bright blue eyes. She was his ideal woman wearing a bright red t-shirt!

However to get to her he had to pass through the mob of men with fire. And at the sight of this other dragon, it had doubled in size. He decided to fly over them but they attacked him with arrows, which penetrated his favourite t-shirt!!! He tried to hold back his tears in order to not look weak in front of the lady dragon.

Tumbling through the sky, in imminent danger of trampling the people below, he saw that she was crying for him, and that they had turned on her, and the same thing had happened, her red t-shirt was also torn.

This made Malvin angry. He took one large gulp and let out a huge rawrr, like dragons do, with all his courage he stomped over the town people killing them all in order to save his love.

When all were lying dead in the dirt, they ran toward each other, the ground shaking with every thud.

When they met in the middle, they took one look at each other and kissed passionately.

When it was over, Malvin realised that his loves t-shirt was actually orange, and was instantly repulsed.

 He turned around and flew back home: orange was a horrible colour he couldn’t love someone who didn’t wear red!

And the lady dragon, who was named Penelope, flew home crying over her lost love.

The End.